It’s not what we say but how we say it

It’s Not What we Say But How We Say it

You are struggling with a crafting project.  It could be anything –  say you discovered you had dropped a stitch half way down a piece you have been working on, or more consequently you have something to complete and just can’t work out what the next step is. 

Your friend wants to help – or if you encounter someone with that problem, you want to help.

‘I hear you are having problems with that knitting/design/project?”   

Has it occurred to you that such a comment, albeit true, might not necessarily be helpful.   What the words are saying is that it is an ongoing problem (“having problems”). 

Just adding one word might give cause for optimism. 

“I hear you have been having problems with…..”  

By saying this you are still acknowledging the problem but indirectly suggesting that there is hope for a fix. Such a simple change quietly makes a difference.   A further move that might help might be 

“I wonder when you will notice how your persistence always seems to pay dividends?”  

You are reminding that person of possibilities. You are putting an idea into the head of the listener without saying  “You’ll sort it if you persist” (for that would be far from helpful!)

  We constrain ourselves when we are stuck with a problem as we forget that there are always possibilities.  This sort of language is a gentle way of opening to those possibilities.

So, continuing with the same problem, your friend says 

“Unfortunately, I am on a deadline”

This Adverb can quickly decide the fate of the project.  “Oh, that’s worrying” comes to mind.      Supposing you suggest

“Interestingly (or “fortunately”) you are on a deadline – that will help you to focus!”

This is called ‘reframing’.   By adding just one word you are enabling again.  The receiver of the information can see the benefit that wasn’t otherwise apparent and choose to change the response to the problem.

You could add further encouragement:

“Naturally (this adverb is presupposing it will happen) you will be able to solve the problem in good time.”

I could continue, but the purpose here is for us to start becoming aware of what we say and how we say it, and recognise what other positive ways of communication can be adopted, with practice.

Choosing the words we use is a learned art.  You don’t have to be a linguist to do it, just to be aware of what words are helpful and what are not.  If we are wanting to help then encouraging a positive response it always valuable.   You may consider starting with yourself!

My early learning came from changing my own response to problems.  As I am the only person responsible for my response.  

 I was a worrier (still am!) but by changing my response to a problem I am able to cope, without stress.

The first thing is to recognise what you CAN’T change. Once you have accepted that, then the next question is ‘What can I do?”   And then “What can I do next?”   And then act on it!